Week 18 games

I'll have the standings out tonight or tomorrow, but I wanted to make sure everyone had the games in time - especially that riveting Wednesday night matchup.

Bowls
Hawaii vs. Notre Dame (Wednesday)
Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan (Friday)
West Virginia vs. North Carolina
Wisconsin vs. Florida State
Miami vs. California
Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech (Sunday)
North Carolina State vs. Rutgers (Monday)
Missouri vs. Northwestern (Monday)
Maryland vs. Nevada (Tuesday)
Oklahoma State vs. Oregon (Tuesday)
Western Michigan vs. Rice (Tuesday)

NFL
St. Louis at Atlanta
New England at Buffalo
Kansas City at Cincinnati
Detroit at Green Bay
Tennessee at Indianapolis
New York Giants at Minnesota
Carolina at New Orleans
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Oakland at Tampa Bay
Chicago at Houston
Jacksonville at Baltimore
Washington at San Francisco
Miami at New York Jets
Dallas at Philadelphia
Seattle at Arizona
Denver at San Diego

Week 17

And down the stretch we come.

There are four weeks left in our little race, but in all likelihood the next two will decide who's in the, uhhh, coconuts and who isn't. From now on, all college games will count double and there are about to be a lot of them in the form of bowls - starting with six this week highlighted by the much-anticipated Southern Miss-Troy game on Sunday. I'm totally kidding. Who the fuck cares about that game? But if that was the criteria for a bowl, we'd have about six so clearly it isn't the point.

Before we get started, however, there's the little matter of Week 16, and congrats to Chip for cherry-picking the victory with a 14-6 that edged, sigh, Chris and Kristy by a single game. His contest-best 12-4 in the NFL was the difference, and as a bonus Larry Wayne also crept back ahead of Amy in the overall standings for sixth overall.

The only other change in the overall standings was me going ahead of Cullen by a whopping thousandth of a point, but it's significant in that I'm back in the coconuts at third overall. Shouldn't be too hard to sit on that lead for a month.

Otherwise, things stayed about the same because we all had about the same score - save Lonnie and dad. Lonnie's bold moves left him at 9-11, which he got to drop, but having your worst week the week with the fewest games isn't really an optimal situation for your final score. That's what dad knew all along when he didn't bother to participate at all, notching his second 0-fer of the season, but he was comfortable in the knowledge that the Week 2 0-51 remains his worst performance.

Apparently, this few games didn't present enough of a challenge but Lane 'll take it. Looks like he'll hold Ed off for last after all.

Now for the moment you've all been waiting for: The answers to last week's trivia questions.

• What did the bubble boy's father do for a living? He was a Yoo-Hoo truck driver.
• What's the bubble boy's name? Donald
• Why didn't Jerry like his girlfriend in the bubble boy episode? Her laugh
• What kind of car is George driving on their way to the bubble boy's house? A Ford Taurus - mom's dream ride.
• Why can't Kramer go with them to the cabin in the bubble boy episode? He had a golf match at Westchester Country Club.
• What does Jerry write on the autographed picture he gives the waitress at the diner? Actually, I can't remember. Anyone?
• What does George pull out the whale's blowhole? A golf ball.
• What name does the guy who played Henri on Cheers share with a notorious serial killer, which is announced all over the stadium during his date with Elaine? Joel Rifkin.
• Why is this name announced in the stadium? Kramer can't get the ticket Joel left for him at will call.
• What does Jerry get caught doing by the model whose number he recently got? Picking his nose.
• Where did Jerry get said model's number? In an airplane.
• When Woody tells Henri "I thought I told you to get your hands off my girlfriend", what is Henri's reply? "And I thought I told YOU to get me a soda!"
• What's Woody's reply to Henri's reply? "Dang it. Got me on a technicality."

Wasn't that fun? Well, it was fun for me. Here are this week's games and the standings:

Week 17
FCS playoffs
Montana vs. Richmond (Friday)
Bowls
Wake Forest vs. Navy
Colorado State vs. Fresno State
Memphis vs. South Florida
Brigham Young vs. Arizona
Southern Mississippi vs. Troy (Sunday)
Boise State vs. Texas Christian (Tuesday)

NFL
Indianapolis at Jacksonville (Thursday)
Baltimore at Dallas (Saturday)
Cincinnati at Cleveland
San Francisco at St. Louis
New Orleans at Detroit
Pittsburgh at Tennessee
Miami at Kansas City
Arizona at New England
San Diego at Tampa Bay
Houston at Oakland
Buffalo at Denver
New York Jets at Seattle
Atlanta at Minnesota
Philadelphia at Washington
Carolina at New York Giants
Green Bay at Chicago (Monday)

Standings
(Weekly win bold; worst week in red)

1. Chris 34-8, 37-14, 35-13, 28-19, 28-19, 32-10, 30-16, 29-17, 28-19, 26-18, 28-17, 37-11, 33-16, 39-19, 26-7, 13-7 (455-211, .683)
2. Kristy 30-12, 39-12, 27-21, 31-16, 28-19, 31-11, 28-18, 32-14, 30-17, 26-18, 31-14, 35-13, 31-18, 37-21, 26-7, 13-7 (448-217, .674)
3. Ron 33-9, 38-13, 37-11, 29-18, 27-20, 26-16, 27-19, 34-12, 27-20, 26-18, 27-18, 35-13, 29-20, 42-16, 25-8, 12-8 (447-219, .671)
4. Cullen 35-7, 38-13, 31-17, 28-19, 26-21, 25-17, 27-19, 32-14, 31-16, 26-18, 32-13, 35-13, 31-18, 40-18, 24-9, 11-9 (446-220, .670)
5. Rob 31-11, 37-14, 31-17, 29-18, 29-18, 30-12, 29-17, 34-12, 29-18, 26-18, 31-14, 34-14, 28-21, 40-18, 19-14, 11-9 (440-224, .663)
6. Chip 33-9, 41-10, 32-16, 28-19, 30-17, 30-12, 25-21, 29-17, 28-19, 25-19, 27-18, 34-14, 34-15, 38-20, 18-15, 14-6 (441-226, .661)
7. Amy 32-10, 40-11, 29-19, 30-17, 28-19, 25-17, 24-22, 26-20, 30-17, 26-18, 34-11, 35-13, 31-18, 40-18, 22-11, 12-8 (440-227, .660)
8. Bob 31-11, 34-17, 31-17, 34-13, 26-21, 28-14, 24-22, 28-18, 34-13, 26-18, 27-18, 34-14, 26-23, 40-18, 22-11, 11-9 (432-235, .648)
9. Lonnie 30-12, 37-14, 28-20, 27-20, 26-21, 24-18, 28-18, 31-15, 28-19, 26-18, 28-17, 35-13, 31-18, 39-19, 23-10, 9-11 (441-252, .636)
10. Cheryl 29-13, 35-16, 33-15, 26-21, 27-20, 27-15, 27-19, 30-16, 33-14, 25-19, 29-16, 30-18, 28-21, 36-22, 20-13, 12-8 (421-245, .632)
11. Lane 30-12, 34-17, 30-18, 28-19, 27-20, 28-14, 25-21, 25-21, 28-19, 23-21, 32-13, 29-19, 21-28, 30-28, 24-9, 12-8 (405-259, .610)
12. Dad 28-14, 0-51, 30-18, 25-22, 32-15, 24-18, 22-24, 24-22, 29-18, 30-14, 33-12, 31-17, 29-20, 33-25, 20-13, 0-20 (390-272, .589)

Week 16

Score it Vegas 1, Rob's gut 0.

Rob went with his heart last week while Spawn of Satan Smith and Lucifer's Little Helper Kowalske stuck with their slavish worship of gambling odds, and it wasn't pretty for our hero. Heaven's rejects tied for the win with sizzling 26-7s, while Rob's feelings may have cost him any chance at the prize coconuts by leading him down a 19-14 road.

The result was Chris strengthening his overall lead yet again, with Kristy climbing back up to second overall and notching her first weekly win of the 2008 season (sort of). Rob? Well, this story's protagonist is face down in a gutter at fifth overall with Amy nipping at his heels. It's a fall worthy of an Illinois governor. Or really any governor these days. Jeez, those guys are scumbags.

In other news:

• I carded a 25-8 for third, allowing me to climb into a dead tie with Cullen (24-9) for third overall. We ruled largely because of our contest-best 13-3s in the NFL.
  
• Rob may have thrown in the towel, but Chip put his in one of those bazooka things they use at games and launched it into the second deck with a contest-worst 18-15 that dropped him to seventh and falling. This better not be because he's been watching too much soccer, but something has to explain that 8-8 in the NFL ...
• Lonnie (23-10) extended his lead over his wife (20-13), and note that now that she's slightly ahead of Lane in the standings I don't even use her name anymore. She's just a stereotypical label, as all women should be.
• Speaking of Lane (not to mention women), he bitch-slapped Ed (20-13) back into 12th with a strong 24-9 that shuffled the bottom of the standings for the second week in a row. This is what it would be like if the Lions and Bengals were in the division. In other words, fantastic.
• I think we can all assume from his silence that Lane is a good sport about all of our unsolicited cracks. Either that, or he's patiently preparing for the waiting period to be up on his high-powered rifle.
  

Here are the games, followed by the standings. As you can see, we have but two college games and a full NFL slate because bowls don't start for two Saturdays. So enjoy your extra drinking time, which in Chris and Kristy's case would be human blood.

FCS playoffs
Montana at James Madison (Friday)
Richmond at Northern Iowa

NFL
New Orleans at Chicago (Thursday)
Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Washington at Cincinnati
Detroit at Indianapolis
San Diego at Kansas City
Green Bay at Jacksonville
Seattle at St. Louis
San Francisco at Miami
Buffalo at New York Jets
Tennessee at Houston
Minnesota at Arizona
Denver at Carolina
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
New England at Oakland
New York Giants at Dallas
Cleveland at Philadelphia (Monday)

Standings
(weekly win in bold; worst week in red)

1. Chris 34-8, 37-14, 35-13, 28-19, 28-19, 32-10, 30-16, 29-17, 28-19, 26-18, 28-17, 37-11, 33-16, 39-19, 26-7 (442-204, .684)
2. Kristy 30-12, 39-12, 27-21, 31-16, 28-19, 31-11, 28-18, 32-14, 30-17, 26-18, 31-14, 35-13, 31-18, 37-21, 26-7 (435-210, .674)
3. Cullen 35-7, 38-13, 31-17, 28-19, 26-21, 25-17, 27-19, 32-14, 31-16, 26-18, 32-13, 35-13, 31-18, 40-18, 24-9 (435-211, .673)
4. Ron 33-9, 38-13, 37-11, 29-18, 27-20, 26-16, 27-19, 34-12, 27-20, 26-18, 27-18, 35-13, 29-20, 42-16, 25-8 (435-211, .673)
5. Rob 31-11, 37-14, 31-17, 29-18, 29-18, 30-12, 29-17, 34-12, 29-18, 26-18, 31-14, 34-14, 28-21, 40-18, 19-14 (429-215, .666)
6. Amy 32-10, 40-11, 29-19, 30-17, 28-19, 25-17, 24-22, 26-20, 30-17, 26-18, 34-11, 35-13, 31-18, 40-18, 22-11 (428-219, .662)
7. Chip 33-9, 41-10, 32-16, 28-19, 30-17, 30-12, 25-21, 29-17, 28-19, 25-19, 27-18, 34-14, 34-15, 38-20, 18-15 (427-220, .660)
8. Bob 31-11, 34-17, 31-17, 34-13, 26-21. 28-14, 24-22, 28-18, 34-13, 26-18, 27-18, 34-14, 26-23, 40-18, 22-11 (421-226, .651)
9. Lonnie 30-12, 37-14, 28-20, 27-20, 26-21, 24-18, 28-18, 31-15, 28-19, 26-18, 28-17, 35-13, 31-18, 39-19, 23-10 (415-231, .642)
10. Cheryl 29-13, 35-16, 33-15, 26-21, 27-20, 27-15, 27-19, 30-16, 33-14, 25-19, 29-16, 30-18, 28-21, 36-22, 20-13 (409-237, .633)
11. Lane 30-12, 34-17, 30-18, 28-19, 27-20, 28-14, 25-21, 25-21, 28-19, 23-21, 32-13, 29-19, 21-28, 30-28, 24-9 (393-251, .610)
12. Dad 28-14, 0-51, 30-18, 25-22, 32-15, 24-18, 22-24, 24-22, 29-18, 30-14, 33-12, 31-17, 29-20, 33-25, 20-13 (390-252, .607)

Week 15 standings

The key to the picks race has been discovered. It's called ignorance.

Just as soon as I decide to get out by not paying attention anymore, they pull me back in with my third win of the season that has me right back in the thick of things. My 42-16 was two games better than Rob, Cullen, Amy and Bob, and it allowed me to stop a month-long slide as I went from sixth back up to fourth, one game behind Cullen for third and two behind Rob for second.

And that was far from the only change in the standings after our last full week of college games - though Chris' 39-19 was good enough to keep him comfortably in first. Rob vaulted back up to second after falling to fourth, while Kristy's 37-21 dropped her from second all the way to fifth. At the bottom of the standings, meanwhile, Lonnie finally passed Cheryl, and, in the biggest news of all, Lane finally coughed up his lead over dad and took over last. His 30-28 allowed Ed to gain three games on him even though Ed was three games worse than anyone not named Lane. That means Lane is now losing to a guy with an 0-51 on his resume.

That, my friends, is what you call outdadding dad.

Other occurrences of note:

• Bob was a perfect 16-0 in the FCS playoffs because he had the balls to pick Weber State, but he blew it with a contest-worst 8-8 in the NFL.
• Cullen would have tied for the weekly win had he not changed two MAC games at the last second, both of which he lost. Then again, he also changed two other games that he ended up winning so I guess it evened out. As it was, he tied me for the best scratchers performance with a 7-3.
  
• Amy left the Baltimore-Cincy game out of her NFL picks, and I had to count it as a loss because Chip actually picked Cincinnati.
• Dad had UCLA beating California. Risky pick this season, and even riskier in a week where those two teams didn't play each other. Hey Lane, he's beating you ...
• Again, many thanks to Cullen for doing the standings for me, but, as always, I go back and double-check for the breakdown available on the Word document attachment I e-mail everyone. Our tallies matched perfectly with two exceptions: Cheryl was actually 36-22 instead of 38-20, and dad was 33-25 instead of 32-26. The world would have ended if we hadn't gotten those right, but, then again, Lonnie would probably still be getting his ass handed to him by his wife and Lane would still be in 11th, so I guess they were critical on some level.

Anyway, here are the standings. As I said, if you want to see the breakdown of the week open the Word document.

Standings
(Weekly win in bold; worst week in red)
Chris 34-8, 37-14, 35-13, 28-19, 28-19, 32-10, 30-16, 29-17, 28-19, 26-18, 28-17, 37-11, 33-16, 39-19 (416-197, .678)
Rob 31-11, 37-14, 31-17, 29-18, 29-18, 30-12, 29-17, 34-12, 29-18, 26-18, 31-14, 34-14, 28-21, 40-18 (410-201, .671)
Cullen 35-7, 38-13, 31-17, 28-19, 26-21, 25-17, 27-19, 32-14, 31-16, 26-18, 32-13, 35-13, 31-18, 40-18 (411-202, .670)
Ron 33-9, 38-13, 37-11, 29-18, 27-20, 26-16, 27-19, 34-12, 27-20, 26-18, 27-18, 35-13, 29-20, 42-16 (410-203, .669)
Kristy 30-12, 39-12, 27-21, 31-16, 28-19, 31-11, 28-18, 32-14, 30-17, 26-18, 31-14, 35-13, 31-18, 37-21 (409-203, .668)
Chip 33-9, 41-10, 32-16, 28-19, 30-17, 30-12, 25-21, 29-17, 28-19, 25-19, 27-18, 34-14, 34-15, 38-20 (409-205, .666)
Amy 32-10, 40-11, 29-19, 30-17, 28-19, 25-17, 24-22, 26-20, 30-17, 26-18, 34-11, 35-13, 31-18, 40-18 (406-208, .661)
Bob 31-11, 34-17, 31-17, 34-13, 26-21. 28-14, 24-22, 28-18, 34-13, 26-18, 27-18, 34-14, 26-23, 40-18 (399-215, .650)
Lonnie 30-12, 37-14, 28-20, 27-20, 26-21, 24-18, 28-18, 31-15, 28-19, 26-18, 28-17, 35-13, 31-18, 39-19 (392-221, .639)
Cheryl 29-13, 35-16, 33-15, 26-21, 27-20, 27-15, 27-19, 30-16, 33-14, 25-19, 29-16, 30-18, 28-21, 36-22 (389-224, .636)
Dad 28-14, 0-51, 30-18, 25-22, 32-15, 24-18, 22-24, 24-22, 29-18, 30-14, 33-12, 31-17, 29-20, 33-25 (370-239, .608)
Lane 30-12, 34-17, 30-18, 28-19, 27-20, 28-14, 25-21, 25-21, 28-19, 23-21, 32-13, 29-19, 21-28, 30-28 (369-242, .604)

Week 15

No, I still haven't done the standings. Bite me. Here are this week's games, which are important because we have a game tonight. Well, perhaps I use the word "game" a little loosely, but there were pretty slim pickins for Week 15. As promised, there are way fewer matchups, so lack of research time can't be your excuse for sucking.

And remember, again, that the FCS playoff games count double. I'll do the standings tonight. Promise.

ACC
Boston College vs. Virginia Tech

SEC
Alabama vs. Florida

FCS playoffs
Richmond at Appalachian State
Weber State at Montana
Villanova at James Madison
New Hampshire at Northern Iowa

Big 12/Pac 10 headliners
Missouri vs. Oklahoma
Arizona State at Arizona

Scratchers
Middle Tennessee at Louisiana-Lafayette (Wednesday)
Pittsburgh at Connecticut
South Florida at West Virginia
Cincinnati at Hawaii
Western Kentucky at Florida International

NFL
Oakland at San Diego (Thursday)
Jacksonville at Chicago
Minnesota at Detroit
Houston at Green Bay
Cleveland at Tennessee
Cincinnati at Indianapolis
Atlanta at New Orleans
Philadelphia at New York Giants
Kansas City at Denver
Miami at Buffalo
New York Jets at San Francisco
New England at Seattle
St. Louis at Arizona
Dallas at Pittsburgh
Washington at Baltimore
Tampa Bay at Carolina (Monday)

Standings

I finally bit the bullet. Today being my birthday and all, I figured what better present than to watch straight cash, homey, slide through my fingers and down a sewer grate. So I figured up the standings.

First of all, congratulations to Chip. His bizarrely awesome 14-2 in the NFL gave him his first weekly win since, like, August with a 34-15. Second of all, remember all that parity I was talking about? It's about to fly out the window.

Chris "Spawn of Satan" Smith is doing his best Kristy anti-Christ impersonation, refusing to ever have a bad week as the rest of us stumble and bumble around him. His 33-16 was unmatched for second and two games better than anyone else, allowing him to open a four-game lead for first overall. And speaking of Kristy the anti-Christ, she has wormed her way up to second overall despite still not having won a week this season.

Both took advantage of Rob's 28-21, which he got to drop, but the 29-18 he replaced it with wasn't enough to keep him from sliding to third two weeks after he briefly took over first. Cullen (31-18) is now a game back of third, while Chip has moved back to fifth and I've fallen all the way to sixth compliments of a brutal 29-20.

Still, that was better than a lot of people did last week. Unfortunately they're all bottom feeders. Bob was a cool 26-23 after a horrific 6-10 NFL showing, leaving him in grave danger of being caught by Cheryl (28-21) and Lonnie (31-18), while Lane was an even more ghastly 21-28, leaving him in even greater danger of being caught by big Ed in the spirited battle for last overall. Lane's strategy of going with all home teams in scratchers has tempted me this season, but, like when George encourages Jerry to confront Dr. Siffaredes about his skin rash, it backfired with an 8-8.

I guess I'm lucky I never tried that.

Anyway, here are the standings. And one final note: I think it's rather remarkable that Cheryl and Lonnie are tied both in the standings without a dropped week and the standings with a dropped week. It's not remarkable in the sense that they both suck at picking who's going to win football games, but the amazing part is that they're dead even despite the fact that their picks are quite different every week. It's like they have some sort of cosmic attraction to each other; one that has bonded their love and fated them to a life of throwing $200 away every football season.

It's sweet, and it's beautiful.

Standings
(Weekly win in bold; worst week in red)
Chris 34-8, 37-14, 35-13, 28-19, 28-19, 32-10, 30-16, 29-17, 28-19, 26-18, 28-17, 37-11, 33-16 (377-178, .679)
Kristy 30-12, 39-12, 27-21, 31-16, 28-19, 31-11, 28-18, 32-14, 30-17, 26-18, 31-14, 35-13, 31-18 (372-182, .671)
Rob 31-11, 37-14, 31-17, 29-18, 29-18, 30-12, 29-17, 34-12, 29-18, 26-18, 31-14, 34-14, 28-21 (370-183, .669)
Cullen 35-7, 38-13, 31-17, 28-19, 26-21, 25-17, 27-19, 32-14, 31-16, 26-18, 32-13, 35-13, 31-18 (371-184, .668)
Chip 33-9, 41-10, 32-16, 28-19, 30-17, 30-12, 25-21, 29-17, 28-19, 25-19, 27-18, 34-14, 34-15 (371-185, .667)
Ron 33-9, 38-13, 37-11, 29-18, 27-20, 26-16, 27-19, 34-12, 27-20, 26-18, 27-18, 35-13, 29-20 (368-187, .663)
Amy 32-10, 40-11, 29-19, 30-17, 28-19, 25-17, 24-22, 26-20, 30-17, 26-18, 34-11, 35-13, 31-18 (366-190, .658)
Bob 31-11, 34-17, 31-17, 34-13, 26-21. 28-14, 24-22, 28-18, 34-13, 26-18, 27-18, 34-14, 26-23 (359-197, .646)
Cheryl 29-13, 35-16, 33-15, 26-21, 27-20, 27-15, 27-19, 30-16, 33-14, 25-19, 29-16, 30-18, 28-21 (353-202, .636)
Lonnie 30-12, 37-14, 28-20, 27-20, 26-21, 24-18, 28-18, 31-15, 28-19, 26-18, 28-17, 35-13, 31-18 (353-202, .636)
Lane 30-12, 34-17, 30-18, 28-19, 27-20, 28-14, 25-21, 25-21, 28-19, 23-21, 32-13, 29-19, 21-28 (339-214, .613)
Dad 28-14, 0-51, 30-18, 25-22, 32-15, 24-18, 22-24, 24-22, 29-18, 30-14, 33-12, 31-17, 29-20 (337-214, .612)

Week 14

I'll get the standings out tomorrow, but I wanted to make sure everybody had enough time to do their picks on this holiday week. And remember - the FCS playoff games count double.

ACC
Georgia Tech at Georgia
Miami at North Carolina State
South Carolin at Clemson
Virginia at Virginia Tech
Florida at Florida State
Maryland at Boston College
North Carolina at Duke
Vanderbilt at Wake Forest

SEC
Mississippi State at Mississippi (Friday)
Louisiana State at Arkansas (Friday)
Auburn at Alabama
Kentucky at Tennessee

FCS playoffs
South Carolina State at Appalachian State
Colgate at Villanova
Eastern Kentucky at Richmond
New Hampshire at Southern Illinois
Texas State at Montana
Wofford at James Madison
Maine at Northern Iowa
Weber State at Cal Poly

Big 12/Pac 10 headliners
California-Los Angeles at Arizona State (Friday)
Kansas at Missouri
Oregon at Oregon State
Oklahoma at Oklahoma State

Scratchers
West Virginia at Pittsburgh (Friday)
Ohio at Miami (Ohio) (Friday)
Akron at Temple (Friday)
Texas-El Paso at East Carolina (Friday)
Bowling Green at Toledo (Friday)
Fresno State at Boise State (Friday)
Nevada at Louisiana Tech
New Mexico State at Utah State
Houston at Rice
Florida International at Florida Atlantic

NFL
Tennessee at Detroit (Thursday)
Seattle at Dallas (Thursday)
Arizona at Philadelphia (Thursday)
San Francisco at Buffalo
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Indianapolis at Cleveland
Carolina at Green Bay
Miami at St. Louis
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
New York Giants at Washington
Atlanta at San Diego
Pittsburgh at New England
Denver at New York Jets
Kansas City at Oakland
Chicago at Minnesota
Jacksonville at Houston (Monday)